Run for your lives! The world is coming to an end. Americans don’t read. When they do, it isn’t for pleasure. So all you aspiring novelists out there might as well pack it in. No one needs you or your delightful stories. I’m already looking at the Want Ads since I’ll be redundant soon. Why would anyone need a novel when you have TV, iPod or the Internet?

I’m not exaggerating, pleasure reading is dead or at least on life support. How do I know this? A 2005 Gallup Poll said the ‘average’ American reads only 5 books a year. Then a recent poll revealed that of the 1000 people polled 27% admitted they hadn’t read a book in a year.

Oh the horror. (cue in a scream)

Okay back to reality. Whew. Sorry, but I must be missing something. Where’s the news? These studies belong in the same circular file as “Women over 30 have a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting married” or “Women are most fertile at 25 then their eggs start drying up.” So if you’re in your twenties, find a man and get those eggs fertilized girls otherwise your future is doomed.

Personally, all I want to say to those bloody pollsters and survey creators is: Leave me alone!!! (I’ve deleted the curse words) I’m quite happy with my reality where women can meet their life partners at 45, start families in their thirties, and read—voraciously. Yes, I know this reality seems very female focused, but women read more novels than men and they’re the ones keeping my reality alive. So for those ten or twenty people who never open a book, there’s someone who will open fifty (thank you!) and keep reading for pleasure alive. I know I certainly am and I know you are.

So relax aspiring novelist, the sky isn’t falling. It’s just raining and rain is nothing new.