Lame Author Signings
Against my better judgement, my critique partner, Jade Lee, talked me into doing a book signing. The booksigning was at a local major chain bookstore and it was scheduled from 1:30 to 3:30 on a Saturday afternoon. Herewith is an actual, real time, chronological outline of events:
1:20 I arrive at the bookstore, cheerfully introduce myself to the events co-ordinator, and dump a huge box of bookmarks at the table. I’ve brought them to sign as I sit there for the next two hours because frankly, I’ll be really happy if one person shows up.
1:33 Jade blows into the store, late as usual, but looking really good in her silk jacket with the crane embroidered on the back.
1:35 Impatient that she hasn’t made a sale yet, Jade calls her MOTHER to come and see us. I spend the next five minutes mocking her.
1:43 First person to ask us where the restrooms are.
1:46 (Still no sale, natch) Unable to stand the suspense anymore, Jade goes to buy a $30 box of chocolate to lure people to our table with. Somehow while off looking at the chocolate, she guilts the café people into baking fresh cookies for our table. SCORE!
1:53 Jade’s mother calls to say she is lost.
2:05 Fresh cookies are delivered to our table and are immediately eaten by three middle-aged men and an assortment of children who appear to be wandering the store alone (the children, not the men.) Jade nudges me when I smile at an urchin and whisper to her to go tell her mommy to buy my book.
2:14 Jade’s mother arrives and very kindly buys our books. It’s our first sale.
2:23 A store employee sidles up to us and tells me that she’s read all my books! I smile. She then explains that she reads the arcs—and then passes them on to her friends. She never actually buys books, despite having a store discount. It’s an effort, but I keep smiling.
3:01: Jade suggests we fashion nametags that say JK Rowlings in the theory that very few people actually know what JK Rowlings looks like.
3:07: A woman stops at the table, glances at my books, and looking unimpressed, asks if this is all I’ve written. I’m still smiling!
3:30: Oh, thank god, it’s over. Total books sold: 3 The Leopard Prince and 4 The Raven Prince. Total bookmarks signed: 493. Total cookies eaten: 2 ½.
But the one signing I did go to I was nervous at first, but I got over that. . . way quickly. . . 
