Welcome to the Jungle

After many years of leading the carefree life of the perpetual student, I’ve finally knuckled down and plunged into that last great American rite of passage: the Office Job. Having pressed my shirt, bought extra pairs of stockings (since the first few were sure to rip before I left the house) and set no fewer than three alarms, I thought I was all set for my new life as a bona fide working girl. Little did I know the number of missteps and minor kerfuffles that awaited me in the treacherous waters of the workaday world.

Now that I have a whole week and a half under my belt, here a few of the crucial lessons I’ve learnt:

–If you aim to leave the house at 8:00, the laws of time and space will conspire to ensure that you are still searching for your house keys/ cell phone/ left shoe at 8:15.

–Five minutes before you are due to leave for work is not a wise time to return that email to your best friend/ check your Amazon rankings/ read Access Romance All-A-Blog (see laws of time and space above).

–The commute that takes you forty-five minutes on a normal day will invariably expand to twice that if you have an 8:30 a.m. meeting.

–When the elevator light says it’s going up, it means it. It won’t change its mind. Not even if you jump.

–If you try to make it change its mind by jumping, the doors will open while you’re in mid-leap.

–No matter how hard or long you work, the moment you choose to check personal email is the moment your boss will choose to drop by your office.

–Make sure the lid on your coffee cup has been firmly pressed down before gesticulating. Failing that, carry stain remover. Lots of it.

–Coffee is meant to be a beverage, not a perfume (see coffee cup and gesticulation, above).

–Do not put off tasks till a more convenient time. There is no such thing as a More Convenient Time. It’s a myth, like El Dorado or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Perhaps someday some intrepid explorer will find it, but by then it will no longer be convenient.

–Yes, they really do expect you to come back and do this all again tomorrow.

On the plus side….

–Carrot cake makes an excellent breakfast food (the icing has no calories if consumed prior to nine a.m.).

–Ditto Halloween cupcakes.

–And Snickers bars.

–The longer your bus is stuck in traffic, the more novels you get to read.

–The office coffee may not taste particularly good, but it’s free.

–Paychecks are lovely things.

What woes and advice do you have to share from your experiences in the workforce?

7 Responses to “Welcome to the Jungle”

1. Don’t worry, first days are always the worst. I think it’s some sort of initiation process for first-time workers. I substitute teach and my first day on the job was interesting, to say the least. I work at the school my mom teaches at so, of course all the kids thought I was a mini version of her and it was hard to establish my authority. By the end of the day I had endured spit balls, screaming, guys trying to learn about my personal life, and the horrible coffee in the teacher’s lounge. For all the hell though, I am able to read as many books as I’d like while the kids work :) Don’t worry it get’s better!

   by Cristina on October 25th, 2006 at 8:20 am
   
   

2. - Each memo you receive will be subsequently followed by another memo attesting to the importance of the previous memo that YOU MUST READ RIGHT NOW because the world will end if you use a blue coversheet as opposed to the specified orange coversheet

   -You will never be told about the most important meetings; instead you will confer with your co-workers about who is supposed to go to the meeting and speculate about being fired because you and so-and-so weren’t told about the meeting

   -The meetings that you do have to go to are always meetings about coversheets

   by racyli on October 25th, 2006 at 10:33 am
   
   

3. -You can’t please all the people all the time…So don’t even try

   -When your boss asks you into his/her office, you will always get this bad feeling in your stomach… don’t worry, it not ALL bad

   -Keep up with the office gossip, you never know you’ll need blackmail information.

   -Don’t give away too much information about yourself, they’ll give you a funny look and may use it to blackmail you

   by Ali on October 25th, 2006 at 10:52 am
   
   

4. Try to keep your after hours socializing with your workmates to a mininum. Don’t get drunk and end up under the table doing something you are sure to regret for the rest of your life..

   :oops:

   by Vivi Anna on October 25th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
   
   

5. Cristina, I’ve never personally encountered a spit ball, but it sounds vile. What a thing to have to deal with on the first week!

   Racyli, I love your coversheet comments– because, um, I did that. Not here, thank goodness, but during a summer job as a project assistant (basically one step down from paralegal) while I was in college, where I blithely stapled the wrong sheet onto a large pile of documents. I never want to unpick that many staples ever again.

   Ali, I’m right on it with your office gossip advice :wink:– although doing my best to follow Vivi Anna’s admirable example and not create any myself!

   by Lauren Willig on October 25th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
   
   

6. Hang in there—things are bound to get better!

   by Estella on October 25th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
   
   

7. “The office coffee may not taste particularly good, but it’s free.”

   Stick with this thought. Make it your constant companion. Never waver. A coffee shop opened up a month ago right on my way to work and I have sadly watched my spare cash dwindle away since that day. Just because every tenth cup is free DOES NOT make it Right.

   by Emily on November 13th, 2006 at 4:02 pm